you said if i really loved you, i wouldn't let you go astray,
but it's hard to keep you static when you're forever running away.
constantly plunging in and out of uncomfortable situations.
clearly apparent how much we care for each other by kept-up communications
but the isolation gives me a chance to slowly twist within my head
the longing thoughts and memories into pure hatred instead.
deal with your insecurities like i deal with depression,
not well or effectively, simply have it feed your regression.

this poem will remain unfinished, along with all of the rest
i'm too sad to gather the words to properly convey that i'm depressed.
i fear i can't starve it off with pretty words any longer,
i'm failing to hold it at bay, even with all the metaphors i conjure.
i should have followed my faulty plans rather than thinking it through
and then maybe i'd have found a way to be able to rid myself of you
so that the bitterness can seep into the space which you once occupied...

i wish i could cheat on girls and have them ultimately crawl back to me,
that i could be the one to fuck up and yet still receive an apology.
i wish people would return to my manipulative ways with emotion,
but everybody eventually gives up on fixing that which is profoundly broken.
i am slowly fading, sustained solely on spite;
i fill myself to the brim with hatred to help prop me upright.
i don't think i've fully justified being totally alone on this earth
but i'm sure i'm getting what i deserve and not what i think that i'm worth.
i cannot recall exactly where this bend turned to a break
nor can i pick precisely the point where the pain turned to an ache.
i've completely forgotten when i started to lean so heavily on this crutch
or when absolutely everything became just all too much.

i'm giving this my all, i'm trying my absolute best
to not lump you together alongside all of the rest
but i feel i'm failing quite spectacularly, i fear i'll be replaced.
i'm so afraid you won't want me again until i am entirely erased.
until i am finally the piece of shit you swore that i never was -
ignoring the exhaustion and all the hardships i have caused.
i'm really fucking sorry, i need the oppurtunity to communicate
that i have yet to go a single single day where i do not carry your weight.
i will always run back to you no matter what you've put me through
because all my days still seem to always start and end with you.
i cannot shake the lightest of blues that is your eyes,
how they are so damn wonderful and how they would hypnotize.
i'm begging do not forget that i will be right here
whether it takes but several months or rather, several years.

how dare you refer to the scratches on your legs as cuts,
holding a dull pair of sissors in between cigarette butts.
debating a method of taking the rhook from reaper.
if you really wanted to kill yourself you'd push the blade half an inch deeper.
you'd rip the skin from your arms to rewire your neurology,
finally giving the world a punchline for its most tragic of comedies,
but you don't because you're a coward, too afraid of his own death.
carrying around as many demons as a modern day MacBeth.
left with absolutely nothing except for your worthless degree,
should've ended it those nights you'd committed to driving into a tree
but the car always swerves in the opposite direction.
and you can't overdose because tolerance offers far too much protection.
if suicide is nullified, you're truly not sure what to do
other than continue to let your pain and selfishness slowly envelop you.

i hope you cope half as well when you catch my scent on your sheets,
because i'm doing just fine now being the one of us who never eats.
i falter around the fracture shards of all that failed to keep,
doing just fine omitting the time between when i wake up and go back to sleep.
it's gotten awful hard for me to try and keep or match your pace,
i try to stumble after you but my feet are stuck firm in place
and i've been trying for so long now it's become more sad than comical -
navigating this human maze but forever tripping over the exact same obstacles.

fluctuate me with the heart strings severed and fashioned into a whip
or rather braid it into rope if your preference is to choke me with it.
melt it into a metal used to coat my heart with so it can be a paperweight
or turn it into an oil to cover myself with and help me to self-immolate.
you've tried hard to shift the blame from me but i don't want to hear it,
thoughtful words cannot take back how badly you raped and broke my spirit.
you built me up just to ultimately push me harshly to the bottom,
i can see clearly just how much you care by how easily i've been forgotten.
i jump off of the tallest of buildings in my head each and every night
i thought we'd speak somewhat often, even if just to see if i'm alright.
only know i'm alive because i keep posting all of my writings
about how every tree and power pole all look far too inviting.
i am an emotional fucking child controlling the corpse of an adult
only knowing how to cope by making everything that much more difficult.
everyone is in on a joke that i'm yet to be told about
probably just laughing at me for being self-destructive and shutting everyone out.